Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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