My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
