the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
