That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
