$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
