I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
