He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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