Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
