Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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