So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
