Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
