I wish I could punch you in the face.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My cat gives me a boner
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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