Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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