when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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