I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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