She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
