Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
