some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
