I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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