The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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