i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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