she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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