I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
