he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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