I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
