I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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