He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
