We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I still have a little drunk in my system
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
