I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
