Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
