i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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