I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
