The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
