does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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