why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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