Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
