When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
