Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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