I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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