All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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