I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i think i just lost a toe
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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