Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
