I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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