So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
