just tell him i said nine months
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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