Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
