Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
