He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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