I wish I could punch you in the face.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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