Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
